Unforgivable Sinner
by MyQueenTroian
Summary: After being in a horrible accident where Spencer died, we are left with Toby's feelings.


**This story is sort of based on the song ****_Unforgivable Sinner _****by ****_Lene Marlin, _****hence the title. I do not own ****_Pretty Little Liars._**

I have no idea what time it is, not even what day it is, and to be honest I really do not care. I know it has been at least some days, maybe even a few weeks, since it happened. I still remember everything like it happened yesterday; maybe that's why I can't recall how many days it has been. It still hurts just as much as it did back then. I remember the whole day so clearly, everything from the smell of the clothes she slept in to the fatal accident that was not supposed to happen. I have been crying constantly since the accident, my whole body aches for her to be near. It's tearing me up inside knowing that I'll never be able to feel her soft touch ever again. The fact that I'll never be able to hear her raspy, beautiful voice anywhere else than in my dreams is not helping. Nor the fact that I couldn't save her, that no matter how much I tried I didn't manage to bring her back to life.

Sleeping has been extremely difficult without her by my side. Her face shows up in all of the dreams I have, her chocolate eyes and the smile that I've been missing so much makes my heart break even more and I find myself in tears. I have woken up soaking wet, from all of the tears my eyes have produced, every single day since she went away. I just want to reach out a hand and touch her perfect face, while giving her soft lips a small kiss, but I know it's too late.

I know where I sent her that horrible day. If anyone was supposed to die that day it should have been me, not her. I try to tell myself that there was nothing more I could do to help her, but my heart won't listen. I didn't deserve such a lovely lady as my girlfriend; I couldn't even keep her safe. Now she's up there, and I know she sings like an angel, but I can't hear her words. She's up there, while I'm down here on earth. We shouldn't have drunk the amount of alcohol that we did, and I really shouldn't have thought that I would be able to drive us home again afterwards. It's unfair that she lost her life because of my stupid mistake, it truly is unfair. I feel like I'm just an unforgivable sinner.

I've been walking around in tears while trying to get some fresh air to clear my head, and to find out why I did what I did, but no answers are there to get. I have never regretted anything as much as I regret the choice I made that day. The choice is haunting me, and I know I will never be the same as I was before she went away. Her funeral was the most difficult thing I've ever been a part of, hearing all of her friend's and family's cries and knowing that I was the one to blame. Knowing that I'm the reason for all of their uncontrollable sobs is killing me, and knowing that if it hadn't been because of me, none of this would have occurred.

I have been struggling with a fight inside ever since. Trying to defeat all my sorrows, but it's not possible. I try my best not to think about the accident, and rather think about all the happy moments we had together, but the first thing that comes to mind is always the horrifying expression she had the last time I saw her. The blood covering her whole body, and the way her eyes froze in the exact moment the car hit the ground. The last unpleasant sounds and words that came from her mouth, repeats over and over in my head.

I was lost for a long time before she came into my life. When she came my whole life took a positive turning point and she saved me. I was about to hit the ground right before our first meeting. I was planning on ending all of the pain my body was filled with, but she replaced all the pain with love and suddenly my life had a meaning again. The meaning of my life was to love her, cherish her and protect her, I managed to do two out of the three, because of that both of our lives ended. Hers physically, my life ended mentally, and I think I'm about to hit the ground again.


End file.
